What is open adoption?
Open adoption is a kind of family relationship. It is not a contract. It is a commitment that the birth family and adoptive family make to each other and the child. It is a commitment to be part of each other's lives.

It reminds me of a marriage. When 2 people marry, they are joining with each other and they are joining their families through their marriage. A child joins the adoptive family with the birth family. It is then up to the adults in this relationship to maintain the relationship with one another. The child is too young and powerless to do this. So the adoptive and birth parents make a commitment to one another so the child will be able to have connections with all members of his families.

Like all families, the kind of relationship members of the family have with one another varies. Sometimes, you have a very close relationship with one another. You visit each others' homes, attend family functions, attend birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, inform each other of any significant change in your life. They recognize each other's birthdays, give gifts to one another at Xmas. This kind of open adoption relationship is considered an extended family relationship.

Members of a friendship open adoption relationship spend time getting to know one another, get together with one another, visit each other's homes, keep in touch by phone and email. They may or may not recognize each other's birthdays, give gifts at Xmas. Usually, they are not included in family gatherings. (Xmas dinner)

There is also an acquaintance open adoption relationship. People keep in contact with one another but it is usually through email and phone, letter. They may get together once a year.

Of course, like all kinds of relationships, open adoption relationships change over time. Sometimes the relationship feels like an extended family and sometimes like an acquaintance. Relationships need flexibility in order to survive. However, all recognize that they are family to one another and each person is important to the child.

Do all birthparents want an open adoption?
No. Expectant parents, like adoptive parents, have questions and concerns about open adoption relationships. Expectant parents often worry that having contact with the child will be too difficult for them emotionally. Some are worried that the child will become confused. Some believe that the adoptive parents really do not want them involved. Expectant parents already have much to deal with and the thought of having to form a relationship with strangers may seem like too much at the time. However, once they are through the initial shock of being pregnant and the crisis of planning an adoption for their child, birthparents often are happy they are in an open adoption or wish they had been in an open adoption relationship.

Are open adoptions legally binding?
These relationships are based on trust and respect and are not legally binding in Ontario.

However, many birth and adoptive parents discuss the kind of relationship they want to have with one another now and in the future. Some like to write down these thoughts into an open adoption agreement. These agreements are reminders of their intent rather than a legally binding document that locks people into a certain way of interacting with one another. When relationships become obligations, anger and resistance develops.

However, it is always a good idea to have a plan. Although plans can be changed, they give everyone an idea where they are headed.

What are the benefits of open adoption?
Open adoption benefits the child. The child grows up knowing all the pieces of his family history. Children of open adoption, like biological children, grow up knowing their birth parents and birth relatives. The child has a firm understanding who he looks like, where his interest in baseball came from, etc. The child also knows that she continues to be important to her birthparents. There is no room to doubt whether the child's birth parents loved and cared for the child. Information about all aspects of the child's family history is also readily available. And this kind of ongoing relationship eliminates the possibility that the child may look at every man and woman who bears a resemblance to him and wonder is that my mother, is that my father. The child never has to wonder whether their birthparents would welcome them back into their lives for they are part of their lives.

What kind of problems occurs in open adoption relationships?
All families have problems. Open adoption families are no different. Often in the beginning of a relationship, people are not sure what to expect from one another. Birthparents are grieving the loss of their child. This is so difficult. At the same time they are trying to figure out what their role is in their child's life. Adoptive parents want to help the birthparents with their grief but know that no one can. The adoptive parents are focusing on becoming the parents of the child. They are usually tired from sleepless nights. They also are trying to figure out how the birth family fit into the family structure. This is a time of great transition. Understanding how the other person feels and good communication is essential during these times.

What is a birthparent's role in a child's life?
When people are unsure of their connection to a child, they tend to consider what they are not to a child rather than what role they play in a child's life. Birthparents and adoptive parents need to be secure in their roles. If they are not, the child loses.

So what is a birthparent's role? It is important to look at the child's needs when establishing your role in the child's life. A child needs someone who is reliable. A child needs someone who makes promises and keeps them. A child needs someone who respects his/her adoptive parents. A child needs someone who remembers birthdays, holidays and other special occasions. A child needs someone who can tell them about his birth and family history. A child needs someone who is interested in his thoughts and deeds. A child needs their birthparents to love them and to just be there for them.

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